[Ranting about my LACK of a love life and self-discovery; beware, this will be pretty long so you can scroll on if you’re not interested. I’m only doing this ‘cause I don’t have a blog or a place to really voice my thoughts…]
You know, after spending a decent 8 years of my life having someone to care about and be with, it’s weird (but safe) to say that I’m no longer in love with anyone at all.
Y’see, for about a year and a half now, I THOUGHT I was in love with someone. For all I really understand, I was. I needed to stay connected with this person. I desperately needed to feel like they thought of me the way I thought of them. I got to the point where I would have done anything to just physically be with them ALL THE TIME. In fact, it’s hilarious now that I think about it because I really would have. It didn’t matter what it was. Anything. And, suddenly, those feelings just stopped. I always knew there was a false hope instilled in me that this person unintentionally (who knows, it might have been intentional) placed there. The phrase “not right now.” The phrase “I don’t know about later.” The phrase “I just need to focus on this first.” I got a false sense of security, false hope. The hope that one day, things would start over and we’d be together again. Happy again.
I recently found old letters, old cards, old pamphlets, and old receipts from things that were terribly important to me at one point in time. They meant the world to me and even now, I find it hard to get rid of them simply because I miss that feeling. I miss the feeling of having someone fill your mind 24/7. I miss the feeling of when I didn’t mind someone sleeping in my bed and vice versa. I miss the feeling of not caring what we did as long as we got to spend time together. I miss the feeling of excitement for when we finally get to see each other again. God, I don’t have these feelings anymore! No matter who I decide that would be a decent human to latch myself on to, I can’t help but think about the things they want in their future and how I’m not going to be able to give them what they want.
I consider myself a VERY picky person when it comes to romance. I’m also very reclusive, especially when someone doesn’t share my interests. I’m outgoing and very invested in my hobbies, which I’m slowly getting back into considering I now have a left wrist and no school work. I’m extremely judgmental although I’m extremely accepting of things I don’t like. I’m very open-minded (I think), and I try not to be strongly opinionated although that tends to happen over time.
I also have my reasons for being picky. I don’t think I’ve explained this to many people and I’m sure not many people will have read this far so to those that are still reading, this is me outing myself in some sort of way. This is a confession I was unable to explain to people that wanted to get to know me simply because I’m tired of trying to find the words to explain it so that every individual will understand.
I’m a genderfluid panromantic asexual.
Now, in simple explanations, genderfluid, in my terms for all you technicals and politically correct individuals, means that I don’t quite see myself as one gender. I’m physically a female, yes, I’ll admit that, but on some days, I dress and feel like a male. Others, I don’t have a gender at all. There’s no real way to explain why I feel like this. Some days, I really despise being female. I want to be male. I don’t want to have body parts. Some days, I love being female and I wear dresses and frilly skirts. Some days, I’m genderless. I don’t associate with a gender at all. Someone in my brain just tells me, “You don’t have either gender, so the pronouns you will associate yourself as a person rather than female or male. You are just a person with no gender at all. Ignore your body parts because you don’t even have them.”
Panromantic is a little easier to understand. I like people. I like any kind of person. This doesn’t mean that I like EVERY person. I know you don’t walk around saying you like every person based upon your own sexuality. It’s the same for me. I don’t like every person. I do tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and I fall in love easily, but it’s because I generally like a person’s personality more than anything. I’m attracted to a person with similar interests, a decent personality, decent morals, and open-mindedness. This doesn’t stop and just men and women. This is for all those other individuals that don’t classify as just a man or a woman. This could be a transgendered person, too. I’ve been attracted to some before. Gay men. Yeah, fallen for those, too. Straight women…? Can’t help it. I love the women. Cis-gendered, agendered, every gender… all those with any sexuality… I’ve been attracted to them before.
Now, for the part that’s hard for most to understand overall. My asexuality. The reason I don’t want kids is because I just don’t, not because I’m asexual. It does, however, play a huge role in it. Asexuality, for me, means to not feel the sexual attraction to another individual no matter who they are. That doesn’t mean I can’t fall in love, but I feel no physical attraction to any person. There is no touching, no oral, no sex involved in anything I do. That’s pretty much the reason I’m a virgin. Now, don’t get me wrong, I feel that need/desire, for those curious minds. I just fix it myself. I watch porn like most individuals. I read graphic stories. It is what it is. That’s my personal preference. I just don’t have any desire to be sexual with anyone. I LVOE cuddling, kissing, and holding hands. I want the physicality of having someone to sleep against, to cling to, and to hug and touch, but all without having to be sexual with it.
It’s been on my mind for months, trying to figure out how to explain all of this and I guess after having been awake and alone all night, it was perfect to explain this now. To those reading this that thought they had a chance with me and that was the only reason they added me, you can forget that and delete me. If you’re on my friend’s list on Facebook, you’ve literally got no chance with me, guaranteed. And I’m not sorry. Not at all.
What I’m looking for in a person, now, is finance stability. Someone who is and feels as accomplished as I do. Someone that knows what career they’re going for and is achieving it or already in that field. Someone who isn’t making an unstable income (pretty much like I am). I need someone that, on a regular off day, is ready to do anything. Spontaneity. Anything’s okay and why shouldn’t we do it…? Yeah, sure, a trip to the beach sounds nice. It’s 4am, let’s go to Pensacola! I’ll grab the sunscreen. Consideration. Someone that is aware of my situations and knows that I don’t want to talk after an argument simply because I need to cool down. Someone that will do the dishes twice in a day simply so I can cook them dinner and give them a back rub after. Someone that understands my reasoning for not having sex and is okay with that because it’s me. Open-minded. I watch a lot of yaoi and read a lot of graphic novels/manga. I need someone that will probably do the same. Or someone that won’t shy away from certain things like that. I mean, I’m not going to force yaoi upon you, but this is one of the main reasons why I lean a lot more towards women than men. More women will understand the yaoi concept and some typically enjoy it.
At this point, finding all of that in one person is rare as it is. Aside from that, I don’t want anyone with a child. I want someone okay with karaoke at a bar. I want someone okay with my friends as I am with theirs. I want someone that’ll accept family and be okay with what I’ve got so that I’ll be okay with what they’ve got. Race, gender, background, none of that matters. I’m so alone, it’s horrific.
Kelly Clarkson said it best: “Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone.” Because I’m not. I’m not so desperate as to throw myself into anyone’s arms just because I need someone to cuddle with for the night. I have two cats and if they’re all that’s going to be there for me for the next 12-20 years, that’s okay with me. I’m fine. Mentally, I’m focused on my school work and working on getting out living in an apartment. I love to see my friends’ accomplishments. It’s wonderful that all these people are finding love in all the right places. I hope that everyone gets the same amount of happiness, if not more. I do miss those feelings. I miss having the ability to be in love. I miss having someone to think about all the time. I miss feeling nervous when it comes to first holding hands or a first kiss. Those are all precious moments to me. And one day, one day I know I’ll feel them again. But for now… I’m just me.